Reasons I frequently hate OKCupid:

Slew of updates

It's been a while since I updated, so I'm just going to put all the ridiculous shit into one post instead of creating 12 new ones! I don't even have commentary on most of them...

Oh OK Cupid. You never fail to be terrible and disappointing.

A sampling of my inbox...

....prostitution?

dress that up and take my money girly... i need some me time. put a skirt and heels on. slide up in my lap and take my money and spend it on you. Win/win for both of us. Patrick

This does not seem like a win for me.

I also get way too many of these

hey how are you? 
My name is Ryan 26. Looking to try something new in life. I work alot and have my own company which leaves me with little time to meet new people. I have decided i wanna try being a sugar daddy. have you ever had one? know how one works? Lets chat some and see if we can do that or be friends?

I don't know, I think you have to be at least in your 40s to be a sugar daddy?

Two for one day

Two messages today!

I have gotten more than one like this: "hi. How are you? In St. Louis for about a month. Have a child in hospital. Don't spend the night at the hospital. Could use some company at night."

Also, I received this: "Just curious about your ass...no offense, but you seem like the type." I am unsure what this means, but I suspect that curiosity will never be sated!

*sigh*

Once again, I don't even know what to make of this logic train.

A gem I recently received...

And this guy had a decent match percent with me, which makes me a sad panda.

And sometimes...

And sometimes my friends troll me on OK Cupid, because that's how friends roll:

I feel like that broke at least half of the "do not message me if" rules.

I think he's been on this blog before...

Above average? ONLY HONORS ARE ACCEPTED.

Also, his response to that was "honors? huh?" Clearly his penis is not intelligent enough for my vagina.

No, sir

You may not send me pictures of your penis.

Sometimes I wonder if guys realize that I just make fun of their dicks when they send me pictures?

Oh dear

I will just post this without comment....

Poetry!

This would have been better as a haiku.

Terrible jokes!

Presented without comment.

In case you're curious, the answer is probably somewhere around four pairs of heels? Assuming I can hook them into my bra.

Messages from hipsters

Going for classy today:

I hope they lysol their clubhouse

Today's message sadly only exists in the archives of my gchats. I dearly wish I had a screenshot of it, but at least it's been preserved in some form:

hello there,

I think you're kinda cool. I've started a small, invitation-based club, mostly of okcupid members in and around St. Louis to get together and have fun.
Most things go from watching movies, to partying, to hanging out, to even having casual sex.

So... hit me up if you wanna hangout with us and i'll send you an invitation.
We don't discriminate among gender, race, sex(ual orientation), body type or religion, but we do vote on who to accept or reject. Almost all members are younger than 28.

I...no thanks. I'm pretty sure that by voting, you do in fact discriminate using all of those factors.

Also, "to even having casual sex."

Excellence

So sometimes I look at my OK Cupid messages while at a bar with my friends. I usually refuse to let them touch my phone (because I don't trust what they'll do with it), but when this guy's message came in, I had to let my friends use my account to respond to it. Please enjoy the following saga:

Sadly, this guy deleted his account, so I never received another message from him.

Cucumber? Banana? Dildo?

I present this without further comment:

Also, in case anyone's curious...

....The approximate breakdown of messages I get on OKC is something like:
70% are just "Hi, how are you, my name is x." Why would I respond to this? Put in some effort. You're trying to make a first impression.

Another 20% are creepers, and thus end up on this blog.

Then another 8% are things that are at least somewhat offensive, like "Well my dear, for a "brown American" you sound pretty awesome." You don't know me. Casual -isms aren't going to work. Negging never works, even if you do know me. Stop listening to PUAs.

And then maybe 2% are messages worth reading.

What profile does he think he read?

I really wonder what profile he thinks he read? Or maybe he just sends that to everyone hoping for a bite.

So interestingly, he had a 9% match rating with me. It takes a lot of disagreement on some pretty fundamental things to have a match rating that low, so I decided to look at his questions and see what I found. And...

"Take advantage of the situation." Well, that explains the 9% match...

Directionality

I don't really know how to "east" an ass, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to find out.

Also, I really want to know, does sending this kind of message ever actually work?

I...buh...wha?

I have no idea. I just...what?

So much do not want

And sometimes I get messages that aren't offensive, just...so many layers of do not want that it's basically a goddamn layer cake. Such as this:

A) AHHHH 19.
B) I mean really, does it matter how old you'd have to be? Still 19.
C) Shitty sex avoided.
D) So many bad jokes about "great fit," I can't pick just one.

But at least he wasn't gratuitously offensive?

Weekend Bonus: Profile Analysis!

As a weekend bonus, you get some excerpts from one of the more...interesting...OK Cupid profiles I've run across. With analysis!

I'm pretty awesome. Not cocky, just true. A smart computer nerd who likes the outdoors, flirting.... I'm seeking smart, independent, in shape women; clingy crazies need not apply.

"My humanity is a constant self-overcoming"
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Let's examine this first paragraph. Starting off with "I'm pretty awesome. Not cocky, just true" makes me think the exact opposite about you.
"Clingy crazies need not apply" sets off warning bells. The notion of labeling women as crazy sets my teeth on edge for many reasons, and chances are if all of your exes are crazy...well, the only common denominator is you.
Finally, this may just be me speaking as a philosophy minor in college, but any time someone quotes Nietzsche, I start getting worried. In my opinion, only college freshmen are big Nietzsche fans, and college freshmen are fucking idiots.

I understand and can teach the following: Kayaking, lockpicking.... the female orgasm....restoring women's faith in humanity, ice skating, planning heists, and theatrically performing in public.

Please note the text in red. I've found that if you're bragging about that, it's not true. At all. Though, with the way many guys seem to view female sexuality, perhaps lockpicking and the female orgasm are related in their minds?

Books: Too many to list, I lean towards Nietzsche / Rand (but not in the crazy right-wing way). Tucker Max-.... I really enjoy reading about the rules / reasoning behind people and society, such as books on psychology and evolutionary theory like Red Queen, Sperm Wars, Selfish Gene, etc.

Oy, Randians. Back to the whole fucking idiot college freshmen thing. Also, ugh, Tucker Max. Finally, people who believe in evolutionary psychology also set my teeth on edge, because they ignore so many more interesting things about human psychology, and also have a tendency to look at data and ignore everything that doesn't fit into their narrow-minded 1950s ideals. It's pretty frustrating.

Anyway! Enjoy those short excerpts. Believe me, the entire profile is sheer comedy gold.

Classiness up in hurr

Good life goals here:

Sadly, I think he's still failed in it.

Low standards

And sometimes I get things like this:

I assume he's trying to go for clever? But I really don't know what made him think this was. At least the people who make jokes about being robots/me being a robot are drawing from something in my profile.

And a bonus...

Bonus round! Since I copy the interesting messages to my friends on gchat or Facebook, some of them have been preserved outside of my tiny OKC inbox. Behold!

"I'm almost too embarrassed to say this, but I'll just say it. I would be willing to suck any of your ex-boyfriend's penis' just to hold your hand. I'm Justin! :)"

I'm not sure how said ex-bfs would feel about that. I'm going to go with no.

First post!

Hello, and welcome to my OKC Hilarity blog, where I post the utterly ridiculous messages I get on this website. Sadly, some of the more epic ones have been lost in previous purges, but I still have plenty of material to get through. Such as....:

I'm still not entirely sure what "boomery" is. And I'm not sure I want to know what smashing actually involves, either...