Directionality

I don't really know how to "east" an ass, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to find out.

Also, I really want to know, does sending this kind of message ever actually work?

I...buh...wha?

I have no idea. I just...what?

So much do not want

And sometimes I get messages that aren't offensive, just...so many layers of do not want that it's basically a goddamn layer cake. Such as this:

A) AHHHH 19.
B) I mean really, does it matter how old you'd have to be? Still 19.
C) Shitty sex avoided.
D) So many bad jokes about "great fit," I can't pick just one.

But at least he wasn't gratuitously offensive?

Weekend Bonus: Profile Analysis!

As a weekend bonus, you get some excerpts from one of the more...interesting...OK Cupid profiles I've run across. With analysis!

I'm pretty awesome. Not cocky, just true. A smart computer nerd who likes the outdoors, flirting.... I'm seeking smart, independent, in shape women; clingy crazies need not apply.

"My humanity is a constant self-overcoming"
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Let's examine this first paragraph. Starting off with "I'm pretty awesome. Not cocky, just true" makes me think the exact opposite about you.
"Clingy crazies need not apply" sets off warning bells. The notion of labeling women as crazy sets my teeth on edge for many reasons, and chances are if all of your exes are crazy...well, the only common denominator is you.
Finally, this may just be me speaking as a philosophy minor in college, but any time someone quotes Nietzsche, I start getting worried. In my opinion, only college freshmen are big Nietzsche fans, and college freshmen are fucking idiots.

I understand and can teach the following: Kayaking, lockpicking.... the female orgasm....restoring women's faith in humanity, ice skating, planning heists, and theatrically performing in public.

Please note the text in red. I've found that if you're bragging about that, it's not true. At all. Though, with the way many guys seem to view female sexuality, perhaps lockpicking and the female orgasm are related in their minds?

Books: Too many to list, I lean towards Nietzsche / Rand (but not in the crazy right-wing way). Tucker Max-.... I really enjoy reading about the rules / reasoning behind people and society, such as books on psychology and evolutionary theory like Red Queen, Sperm Wars, Selfish Gene, etc.

Oy, Randians. Back to the whole fucking idiot college freshmen thing. Also, ugh, Tucker Max. Finally, people who believe in evolutionary psychology also set my teeth on edge, because they ignore so many more interesting things about human psychology, and also have a tendency to look at data and ignore everything that doesn't fit into their narrow-minded 1950s ideals. It's pretty frustrating.

Anyway! Enjoy those short excerpts. Believe me, the entire profile is sheer comedy gold.

Classiness up in hurr

Good life goals here:

Sadly, I think he's still failed in it.

Low standards

And sometimes I get things like this:

I assume he's trying to go for clever? But I really don't know what made him think this was. At least the people who make jokes about being robots/me being a robot are drawing from something in my profile.

And a bonus...

Bonus round! Since I copy the interesting messages to my friends on gchat or Facebook, some of them have been preserved outside of my tiny OKC inbox. Behold!

"I'm almost too embarrassed to say this, but I'll just say it. I would be willing to suck any of your ex-boyfriend's penis' just to hold your hand. I'm Justin! :)"

I'm not sure how said ex-bfs would feel about that. I'm going to go with no.

First post!

Hello, and welcome to my OKC Hilarity blog, where I post the utterly ridiculous messages I get on this website. Sadly, some of the more epic ones have been lost in previous purges, but I still have plenty of material to get through. Such as....:

I'm still not entirely sure what "boomery" is. And I'm not sure I want to know what smashing actually involves, either...